Just as grief moves through stages, so do separations and divorces. This is partly because divorces are, at their core, about grief, but also because the couple is navigating one of life’s transitions. Like most transitions, the experience is different for both partners, not only because they have different personalities but because here, even in the best circumstances, one person is more set on leaving and the other more willing to work it out. In my experience working with couples, these are the stages I most often see:
Even if you’ve been alluding to or openly discussing separation or divorce for months, or one partner suddenly moves out after reaching a bottom-line argument, the actual leaving or formally moving into separation is a jolt. For the person initiating the split—the leaver—there is often a sense of relief of finally being free from tension and indecision. For the other partner—the leftee—it’s usually a punch in the gut. Reality sinks in.
The leaver feels good about finally moving forward but is now navigating this new life—if doing an in-house separation, not really being part of the house; if adjusting to a new apartment, trying to work out furnishing it. If there’s someone they’re attracted to or already have started a relationship with, this makes the change easier—new possibilities, a feeling that they should have done this sooner.
For the leftee, that initial jolt has worn off but they’re still shell-shocked; everyday life is a blur. They have difficulty focusing, have no energy, feel angry or depressed, and don’t quite know what to say to family or friends. What they’re most aware of is how they’re obsessing—replaying the past days, months, and years, their minds are constantly running, seemingly out of their control—trying to connect the dots between their view of the past and present, and develop a narrative that explains how they got to this place. Once the story solidifies in their minds, their thoughts calm down.
While there’s probably still an undertow of depression and loneliness for the leftee, the fog is clearing; they’re functioning better at their job and even have good days where they feel like they’re more in control of their lives, or where they go out with friends after work and actually have a good time. They’re still worrying about kids, though, or wondering about the next steps—legal action, moving.
If the leaver is not dating or has not thrown themselves into work, there are some lonely weekends. If dating, life is good, though they’re back to feeling like a 16-year-old. The initial glow may wear off if they have entered a rebound relationship. While initially attracted to an inversion of their partner—someone who doesn’t do what most bothered them about their ex—their fog is clearing; this new person is more complex and has their own issues; they’ve had some arguments.
These can be both better and worse times. Here, there may be attempts to reconcile or arguments about kids and custody. Legal proceedings may begin, and there is the need to come up with a separation agreement, a process that can be smooth or bloody. Friends and families begin to fall into camps, siding with one partner and pulling away from the other. Or close friends or parents do their best to support both—because they don’t want to lose their connection to them or because they are concerned about the children.
THE BASICSNew partners may be on the scene—showing up for holidays or weekend meet-ups—and everyone feels awkward. One child likes the new person while the other hates them; a child may struggle, and there’s therapy or trips to the guidance office. There’re moves to new houses, maybe even a change of jobs. Depression is better or worsening, and there’s medication, therapy, or leaning too heavily on family.
The emotional dust is settling. Even if they’ve not quite turned a corner, everyone has gotten their sea legs. The kids may still be holding out hope for a miracle where the parents reconcile, but overall, they’ve adjusted in their own ways to the new normal—the moving between houses, liking, tolerating, or not tolerating new partners—and hopefully, the parents can coordinate well enough around parenting. But sometimes, the battles continue—arguments over the phone or text, court action threats, and little communication. Or one partner is still struggling, unable to shake their depression, or is isolated.
